I feel like I, and many other tumblr users, are pretty much experiment 625 from Lilo and Stitch
he literally has all of the same powers as stitch
He had potential to do something great. He saw what Stitch and all the other experiments were doing, but he was just like
you know what sounds good
William Chapman (via intricid)
September 10th, 2014
“If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies how very different our ideals of beauty would be.” -Anonymous
The Reality of Just How Ugly Anorexia Is
This is for a girl who sees a monster in the mirror; who lies to get out of eating and prays no one notices. This is for a girl who cries herself to sleep due to fear of people looking at her and judging her. This is for the girl who cannot comprehend being worthy of love, simply because loving herself has never seemed plausible. I know that girl. I understand that girl. Because I used to be that girl.
According to the article “11 Facts about Teens and Self Esteem” on DoSomething.org, a survey amongst high school girls ages 16-18 found that 44% of teenage girls are attempting to lose weight, and 75% who reported having problems with self-esteem also reported having engaged in negative behaviors such as self-harm and eating disorders. I can count myself as one of those girls - One whose obsession with body image got the best of her, but who overcame it, and can now see it from the other side.
It’s a common belief among anorexics that you are never fully recovered. But after battling my eating disorder for several years and enduring a relapse that almost landed me in inpatient care, I can say that I am 100% recovered from anorexia; and I am never going back. It is because I am over my eating disorder that I can tell you that starving yourself is so far from worth it.
I wish I would’ve had someone who made me listen to the facts about anorexia. The true facts. Someone who would’ve told me that anorexia would not make me beautiful, and it definitely wouldn’t make me feel good - quite the contrary actually. Looking back, it’s disturbing to see how sickly I looked back then. I know my parents, friends, and guidance counselors tried so hard to make me realize these things; but I didn’t need to hear it from them, they didn’t get it. I needed to hear it from someone who actually knew. Someone who understood anorexia from the inside. Who knew firsthand the ugly reality of anorexia and how devastating a disease it truly is. That is what I want to do for you.
I know, it starts with the thoughts, “I wish I looked like her”, “Why can’t I be skinny?”, “I’m disgusting.” Thoughts are just thoughts, right? But shortly after the self-loathing begins, so does the skipping meals. A few meals will turn into most meals, and soon you’ll find yourself consuming two saltines and about eight water bottles a day. It’s hard to feel hungry when you’re filled up on water.
But starving yourself is not an easy task. It takes control - that control that you crave so much. There’s irony in the belief that many girls succumb to an eating disorder to gain control in their life. The irony is that anorexics have no control over their lives at all. Once you commit to your disorder, convincing yourself that there is nothing you wouldn’t do to lose the weight, your eating disorder controls you. The number on the scale controls you. Your thoughts are consumed with food. How to avoid it, how to get out of eating it, and how to get rid of it if you’re forced to eat it.
I’m not going to tell you that you need to eat, I know that hearing that will probably only drive you to eat less. Proving to people that you’re strong enough to resist temptation has an allure. I’m not going to tell you that you’re headed down a fatal path. You probably know that and just don’t care. Anorexics know that they’re killing themselves. They know that they should eat. And, deep down, they actually know that nothing good comes from being 30 pounds underweight. So, I’m not going to preach to you about all the reasons why you shouldn’t choose to starve yourself. I am, however, going to tell you what will happen if you do.
How do you like your hair? You may not like it, but trust me, you’ll like it a lot less when you start pulling clumps of it out in the shower. Bald spots are hard to hide. And why even shower? Your hair becomes permanently greasy and all you’ll actually do in there is make yourself throw up. At first you’ll work out, but after a few days you won’t have enough energy to get through gym class without almost fainting. You’ll start going to bed early to avoid dinner time and because you won’t have enough energy to stay up later.
Soon, you’ll even lack enough energy to keep yourself warm. You’ll constantly be cold. It won’t go away. If you get as bad as I did, your period will be a thing of the past. At first this may seem like an accomplishment, but later you’ll realize that if it doesn’t come back, you may never be a mom. Oh, and best of all, people won’t talk to you face to face because your breath will smell like the last thing you purged up, not to mention the fact that they’ll probably think you’re crazy and super fragile.
The worst part of this disease is not even how it affects you. If you’ve succumb to anorexia you’ve already accepted what will happen as a result. No, the worst part of this disease is how it affects the people who care about you. Your parents, grandparents, god parents, friends, whatever. They are suffering watching you suffer and that is what made me reevaluate my decision.
About 6 months after my relapse, I was only 4 pounds away from my target weight of 72 pounds, a walking skeleton. I was lying on the couch after school one day, when my father came to me with tears in his eyes. I have only seen my father cry a few times in my life, usually in mourning of a loved one such as his sister, or my grandfather. This time he was mourning the loss of his daughter, me. He told me that, as my father, it is his duty to protect me. He was watching me kill myself and he had no idea how to fix it. Throughout each night he was checking on me to make sure that I was still breathing, he thought at any moment I could be gone. I saw what I was doing to him, and I couldn’t bear to be responsible for his pain. Anorexia was my punishment to myself. I never wanted to punish my parents with it, and to this day I feel guilt for putting them through it.
Deciding I didn’t want to be a slave to my disease anymore was my first step towards true recovery. I wasn’t cured overnight, and I considered going back multiple times. I often questioned why I would give up my eating disorder. It had become my identity, and I didn’t know who I would be without it. I planned to relapse again in college, where my parents couldn’t watch over me to make sure I was eating. All I thought about for weeks after I began recovery was when I could go back.
Then I started to feel healthy again. I watched my thinned greasy hair gain life again. I saw the color come back to my face. The cold clamminess left my skin. And best of all, I learned that I could still be a mother someday. Never again will I take being healthy for granted. I soon realized that I actually felt and looked better when I was eating. People ceased tip-toeing around me, and I was finally able to concentrate on more than just my disease. I began to see an actual improvement in the way I viewed myself and my life.
Being recovered now, I could never imagine going back. I could never willingly put myself on death’s doorstep again. I’m at peace with my appearance and, even more importantly, I am at peace with myself. I have grown to realize that others’ perceptions of me don’t really matter. There’s a great freedom that comes with that. I know I’m not perfect, and that’s alright. Who’s perfect? Certainly no one who’s enslaved by anorexia.
So you see, I understand you. I know what it’s like to be disgusted by what you see in the mirror. I know what it’s like to break down every time you get dressed because you don’t feel beautiful in anything you put on. Well girl, you are beautiful. I’m not going to tell you to love yourself because I myself thought I was incapable of doing just that. But once I let go of the issues at the core of my insecurity, once I was able to forgive myself for memories I suppressed, I was able to find a strength in myself that I didn’t know was there, and my strength was the first thing I learned to love about myself. Find your strength. Get back in control. It starts with deciding to live – really live.